Elsja Down Under

Relationship Advice from Strangers- Part III April 4, 2011

Back from a hiatus to provide you more relationship advice from complete strangers.

16. Do things together. Be US, not you and I.

17. Do not “sext” other guys

18. Do not send inappropriate pictures to exes

19. Your Facebook account should be available for him to see at any time.

20. Workout together… hormones/physical activities lead to other activities

21. If another man slaps your ass in front of your guy, you be the one to step up and handle it- don’t make him do it.

22. It is ok to “warm up” in front of your man and your man only

23. Grooming is important, even in the winter

24. He should ask you how your day went

25. Toys are completely acceptable and shouldn’t be judged

26. He should give you a full body massage (including inner thighs) occasionally

27. Jewlery is important

28. He should get a long WELL with your mom and dad

29. Don’t beat around the bush. Tell him what you want, when, where, how… guys don’t read minds.

30. Always desire him. The “look” has to be there, even from across the room. In a crowded room… it is silent to each of you when you make eye contact.

31. There is no reason to ever wear “granny panties”… EVER

32. He should run his fingers through your hair. Massage the scalp.

33. Hot tub heavy petting is ok… the bubbles hide the wandering hands

34. If the boat sinks, you should share the piece of wood… not like leonardo

35. He should look into your eyes on the “first dance”

More to come…

Relationship Advice from Strangers – Part II February 16, 2011

This little batch of advice all came from one guy who sat by the pool writing in my notebook for about 2 hours.

1. Don’t cheat unless you know you won’t get caught
2. Sometimes your man wants to sit in silence… let that happen
3. Randomly dirty dance with your man
4. Always make your guy feel #1. If you see a movie star that is hot… it is ok to say he’s hot but follow it with “but you’re hotter”
5. Never have bad breath
6. Send a random text to let him know you’re thinking of him
7. You have to reverse spoon sometimes even if you don’t want to
8. Randomly grab his hand in the car when you are on the way to dinner
9. Have 1 random drunk night every now and then… to venture out of your “comfort” zones
10. Wear black panties once a week and let him see them when he least expects it
11. Have a “make dinner” night together once a month… don’t be shy, let the ingredients play a “role”
12. He is allowed to be on top and have his way with you every now and then
13. Kissing after oral is ok
14. When he is taking a shower… sneak in and grab his towel. Put it in the dryer and return it nice and warm for when he gets out- Bonus Points!!
15. 1 vacation per year minimum (no exceptions)

Think that’s all?.. Oh no… there is more. Oh so much more. To be continued…

Relationship Advice from Strangers – Part I February 13, 2011

Just in time for Valentines Day, I’ve got some love tips for you all!!

Awhile back I think I mentioned how my friends were so kind as to collect a book of advice on love and marriage during my bachelorette party weekend. Who better to give the advice than random strangers right? I’ve always thought it would be great to share these tips on my blog, so now I am… in a multi-part series. You may want to bookmark this page and head back here any time your relationship needs a little pick-me-up because some of these tips are stellar (and hilarious).

1. Be happy with whatcha got ’til you get whatcha want.

2. Make the decision to love and commit and all the adventures and joys of marriage will take care of themselves.

3. Never blame, always communicate, love conquers all. Work together, possibilities are endless

4. Never make excuses

5. Remember why you fell in love. Put each other first, marriage first. Family second, everything else last. A healthy, loving relationship takes time and effort. Communicate well and never go to bed angry. Overuse I love yous.

6. Stay 10 years, you get the money

7. Keep everything nice and trimmed. Grooming is key

8. Men are not able to do two things at once, including but not limited to thinking and speaking at the same time. Emotions are sometimes sheltered but we will always want the best for you!

9. When you really want something, but you know the answer is “no”, ask him in bed!

10. Always say “I love you” before leaving or going to bed and always have a pair of crotchless panties available.

11. If you don’t forgive and learn how not to resent, it’s like drinking a vial of poison and expecting it to affect the other person.

12. Expect the unexpected. Never take for granted your relationship no matter how solid it may be. Realize, if you can’t handle things at their worst, you don’t deserve them at their best.

13. One word: swallow

14. The key to a great wedding and marriage is laugh first when something is going bad. Laugh, laugh, laugh… oh and lots of blow jobs.

15. Just lay back and think of Scotland

Words to live by, I tell you! And we’ve only just gotten started…

Theyyyy’re Baaaack May 21, 2010

The 3am wake up calls have returned. It’s been awhile since we experienced one of these- but my poor immune system the last few days has caused me to toss and turn all night so last night I had the fortunate opportunity of being awake during the little occurrence. You know… maybe I should give my immune system some credit. This noise just might have been the reason I woke up in the first place at 2:40am.

What am I talking about?

HERE is a reminder.

Nothing like getting woken up by a banging bed and moaning, grunting man at 3am. Ahh the joys of apartment living.

Woah Baby May 9, 2010

I think when you’re in a serious relationship, you tend to wonder what your future children will look like. Ok, maybe that’s only me- I’m sure Andrew NEVER thinks about that. I always worry that our kids will be hideous little snots or they will each pick up our worst traits and end up quite ugly. So Imagine how interested I became when I realized I actually could find out how cute our future brats will be. After reading Daisy’s hilarious post about how her boyfriend so kindly morphed her with a dog to see what “their” children would look like, of COURSE I would have to try this out for myself (minus the dog photo).

I tried it with a few different pictures and got a few different outcomes. So without further ado, meet our children (please note, there are 3 here but there will not be 3 children popping out of this uterus unless I unluckily become a breeder of twins the second time around).

Not sure what’s going on with the hair on this one… but she (yes she) is pretty damn cute. I think this one looks like me when I was little.

This one has some creepy glossy eyes but she’s pretty cute as well.

This kid is probably my least favorite- there’s something weird about his mouth, but I suppose he’s not ugly.

I guess according to weird internet morphing sites, our kids won’t be half bad after all.

Airplanes for Dummies January 28, 2010

In case you need some explanation…

Dear Neighbors, Part 2 May 20, 2009

Dear Neighbors,

No… not you two… I’m talking to the ones upstairs who speak in some language I cannot decipher. I am really getting sick of your late night chats on the balcony. Seriously, I don’t hear you at all during the day or evening but for some reason you must go on to your balcony EVERY single night after 11:00 pm to have your daily 15 minute foreign chat. Oh and I REALLY don’t appreciate the random 1:00 am sessions. Those seriously suck.

It frustrates me that I can’t even eavesdrop and be nosey since I can’t understand you. Where the hell are you from anyways?? It frustrates me even MORE that you keep me awake at night. Don’t you need to sleep too?

Andrew was going to write you a letter once. Even though he USUALLY falls asleep before you start yacking, he really felt bad for me being kept up every night. But I stopped him from putting the note under your door one night at 3am because I didn’t think it was very nice. Here’s what it said in big black sharpie marker:

“SHUT THE F*%K UP”

I thought there must be a nicer way to go about asking you to be quiet, but considering I’ve lived here for over a year and a half and I still don’t think I’ve ever really seen your face, I  don’t exactly feel comfortable approaching you. So instead I just lie there each night waiting patiently for your 15 minutes of annoying chatter to end.

SO since I am afraid of confrontation, I’m REALLY happy that I now get to write this second letter to our OTHER neighbors. I thought I’d run it by you first. Let me know what you think…

-E

*********

Dear Other Mystery Neighbor,

You are wonderful.

When my boyfriend wanted to write a mean note to the yackies upstairs, I stopped him because I didn’t think it was very nice to use the F word. Well, clearly, that’s just something Australians do- or maybe just people in this apartment block. I remember on Halloween one guy in the block yelled “Oi F*%K off kids!!”  to some little teenage punks. That was pretty funny. Maybe that was your husband.

I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate what you did for all of us last night. I could hear you yelling “shut up!” numerous times. I just laid there smiling, comforted knowing that someone else had been feeling my pain all these nights. I always thought I may be the only one who was going crazy from their conversations. But the gabbers upstairs just didn’t hear you. I don’t know why because I certainly heard you, even with my window closed. So I found it thoroughly amusing when you finally screamed in your shrill, angry voice:

“SHUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUPPPPP. You F*%King talk out there EVERY NIGHT!”

Well, I think they finally got the hint because they did shut up and they went inside.

I truly think your message got through to them. Maybe using the F word really is the only way to get things done around these parts! Hopefully tonight we will all sleep a little easier!

Thanks again for taking care of the situation (and thanks to my BF who attempted to take care of the situation 2 weeks ago even though I intercepted his note and threw it in the trash bin).

-E

Is it Weird? May 15, 2009

Today I ventured out of the apartment for a few hours to meet up with some fellow ex-pats. Is it weird that I’ve never met these people in person (until today), never have even talked to them at all (until today) and yet I still know so much about them? No talking on the phone, no emailing, no texting… yet I still know tons of details about their day to day lives. Welcome to the wonderful world of bloggers! Today I met fellow ex-pat bloggers Daisy and Lindsay (and her friend Emily). I missed out on meeting Erin at lunch but there’s always next time right?

I only started reading Lindsay’s blog recently, so I’m not totally up to date on her life, but is it weird that as we walked around the Botanical gardens, I had conversations with Daisy about the guys she’s dated and her uni program? Is it weird that I knew all about the horrible blister on her foot? Is it weird that she was talking to me about the birds that visit my apartment everyday?

Is it weird that a foreign guy stopped us and asked us if  we would mind standing on his back as he laid on the grass while someone else took a picture?

Huh?

Yes, that actually happened. Here was how the conversation went:

Weird guy: Excuse me, are you all travelers? (detected our accents I suppose)

Us: ummmmm uuhhh yeah (hard to answer that one because yes, we are foreign but no, we’re not really “travelers”).

*** we suspect he is about to ask us for directions or something normal, but no… no such luck.***

Weird guy: I’m wondering if you might be able to help me. I’m trying to get a photo (pulling out fancy camera) but it’s kind of hard to get.  I basically want the photo of me lying on the grass with 2 people standing on my back.

Us:    …

Weird guy: You know, like I’m “down under”

Us:    …

Weird guy: I’ll give you $20 between the  four of you.

All of us: Uhhh ummm… ok???

Elsja and Daisy: Oh they can do it (pointing to Lindsay and Emily), they are the smallest!!

Weird guy: Oh how about one of you  (Lindsay/Emily) and one of you (Elsja/Daisy)

Daisy: She’ll do it (pointing to me), she’s shorter! (thanks by the way)

So, we decided to help the guy out. Either he was a really artsy person who genuinely wanted to get a shot to send back home of him “down under” OR he was a complete freak who gets turned on by REALLY weird things. Either way, it wasn’t going to hurt us to help him out. At least we have a funny story to tell now. Oh… and all of us were quite curious- why did he ask us if we were travelers? Wouldn’t local Aussies be better candidates if he wanted to be “down under”? Maybe he’s been told off by too many of them already. Seriously, have any of you out there ever had a weirder request from a stranger? If so, I’d love to hear it!

Lastly, while I’m on the topic of all things weird, I’d like to comment on this tree.  Amanda and Stephen took these photos last week and I didn’t think much of them until I actually went and saw the tree today.

First of all, this tree really DOES mysteriously drop random branches, I saw it happen with my own two eyes. Weird. But what’s even weirder is the sign. I hadn’t really thought about this until some guy pointed it out today. “This tree may drop branches without warning.”

Without warning?

Really? 

Is there any OTHER way this may occur? Like would the tree have some branch dropping alarm to notify you of falling branches? Would some guy sit in the tree all day to yell at people when one was about to fall?

Wouldn’t “This tree may drop branches” suffice?

Now I’m back to my normal apartment where I am doing normal work and am about to eat a normal dinner. Maybe later one of my neighbors will come ask me if I would mind putting on some rollerskates and helping them paint their living room. That wouldn’t be weird at all.

Sleepwalking Dogs April 27, 2009

I FINALLY upgraded to the newest version of wordpress and that means I can FINALLY upload videos again. YAY. Thanks so much to my techy savior Emanuel for helping me get my blog back into the 21st century.

So in honor of my ability to post videos again after oh so long, I thought I’d post this one that I found on another American Expat’s blog. She had this video listed under a post with a collection of videos that make her laugh out loud. Well, I’m always skeptical of those kinds of claims. Andrew always thinks something is wrong with me because I don’t laugh at jokes on The Simpsons. I told him “just because something is funny, doesn’t mean I have to laugh OUT LOUD.” Sometimes I simply just smile, or laugh in my head.

Anyways… this one DID make me laugh. And I think if it doesn’t make you laugh, there’s something wrong with you.

Birthdays and Earth Days April 21, 2009

First of all, happy happy birthday to my dad

Secondly… Happy Earth Day for tomorrow. I really don’t celebrate Darth Day. How does one celebrate anyways? Pick up trash/rubbish? Plant a tree? I do think we planted trees when I was a kid in elemenatry school. Maybe I should learn to be more earthy… but until I do, let’s just celebrate with some funnies, shall we?

 

 

 

 

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Dear Neighbors March 22, 2009

Dear Neighbors,

Yes, I’m talking to the two of you who like to have loud, raunchy sex at night. I realize that your identities still remain a mystery- yet I still feel compelled to write to you.

I am very happy for you, I truly am. It sounds like you have a happy and active sex life. Congrats.

I do appreciate that you have limited yourselves to sex before midnight. Thanks for that! For awhile, the 3am wakeup calls we were getting from you guys were a bit annoying. You are quite loud you know… I even posted once before on my blog about how we always can hear your headboard banging against the wall when you get into the act. That’s fine. Sometimes we can hear you moaning… gross, but good for you! But last night, I had to pee right around the time that you were enjoying yourselves and I was shocked when I realized how loud you truly are. I’ve never had the pleasure of hearing you from the bathroom before, but let me tell you… that’s a whole different experience all together. Let me put it this way- you REALLY should shut your windows.

Do you realize that your moaning and screaming echoes throughout the entire garage area? It bounces off all the walls and shoots straight into the windows of the other apartments. And do you realize that EVERY single apartment in this building surrounds the garage? This means that a vast majority of the units on this side can DEFINITELY hear you? Do you realize that even above the sounds of the rain and the sounds of some other guy coughing up his lungs while showering in a neighboring bathroom, I could still hear you loudest of all?

Do you realize that if I don’t know who you are (I still assume you are the people above me but I just can’t be 100% sure) then OTHER people might not know who you are either? We at least have the advantage of hearing your headboard to help us decipher that you are either above us or next to us. But other people who hear your escapades through the windows surrounding the garage… they just don’t know. In fact, they have no clue if you are on the top floor, middle floor or bottom. All they can hear are your hoots and hollers. I must point out- no one else in this buiding is as loud as you are. You guys take the cake!

Do you know why this bothers me? Because you live too close to us. Personally, I don’t want there to be any chance that one of our neighbors might mistakenly think that those noises are coming from OUR apartment!! Seriously… how embarrassing would that be?

So while your shenanigans do give us quite a laugh from time to time, can you please just tone it down or shut a window? It would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you for your time.

Now I’ve Seen it All February 22, 2009

A musical based on the Jerry springer show. Coming to the Opera House. I can’t decide if this is repulsive, or if I actually might want to see it. I have no more words to describe my thoughts at the moment.

Let’s Go for a Drink January 16, 2009

I know I know… I’m a bad blogger, but I’m essentially “on vacation” (even though I’m still working) so I just don’t FEEL like writing anything. So it’s perfect that Natasha sent me these great ads for beer (and evidently for the benefits of being a man as well). I don’t even have to write anything, they are just so great on their own.

What goes through YOUR mind when someone says “let’s go for a drink?”

 

Some People are so Unaware November 6, 2008

So… my buzzer on my buidling buzzed and i just pushed the button without asking who it was. I do this by relfex because typically the only time it buzzes is when Andrew comes back from a bike ride. A minute later, no andrew (it wasn’t until about 10 minutes later that I realized andrew is not on a ride and he has his keys to get into the building).

So anyways, I go about my business, talking to my mom and niece on the phone when someone finally knocks on my door about 5 minutes later. I open it up looking SUPER scuzzy in my sweats and my shirt with a big toothpaste mark on it from this morning. Not to mention my hair is greasy, my legs are hairy and I wasn’t wearing a bra. (Hey I work from home so no need to get dressed or look pretty)! So there’s this cool looking girl at the door with some papers in her hand and I’m immediately curious. Who is this and why is she here?

She starts talking a bit and I respond a bit and then she says “oh you’re not from here either”- It was only then… after she had talked awhile and pointed out MY accent… that I realized she had a north american accent. I can’t help it, all accents sound normal to me these days.

I realize so far this story makes ME sound like the very unaware person- but it’s really her that I’m speaking of in the topic title.

So we converse some more and talk about where we are from, etc. Turns out she is from Canada. She had heard me through the door as I was on the phone with my niece and I was saying “So did your president win??” (My 5 year old niece voted for obama on the nickelodeon site even though her parents wanted mccain- she said it was because he has a cool name and he likes horses). ANYWAYS… the girl told me she heard me talking through the door and I said “oh yeah yeah” chuckled a bit and then this is what came out of her mouth next…

“So, who won?”

Um.. REALLY? Has she been living under a rock the last few days??? Even though this girl was totally nice and was really cute and trendy looking, I immediately thought she was a total moron.

My response (excitedly) was “OBAMA!”- then she said politely “oh, ok! well, I’m from Jehova’s witness…”

I’m guessing that she wouldn’t have been too excited about Obama with her being from a strict religious background- that is if she even knew ANYTHING about the candidates, which could be highly unlikely.

Blah. My excitement that a new potential friend just landed on my doorstep immediately went out the window.

A.) She doesn’t know who won the election

B.) Even though I respect people’s religious choices, I personally cannot be any part of a religion that doesn’t let me celebrate christmas and birthdays!

She was cool though, she just gave me her pamphlet and we chatted some more about visas for Australia. She was then talking about getting sponsored, etc. and mentioned that she could be a nanny. I said “that might be good considering the timing of the ABC Learning daycare* crashing…”

I don’t know WHAT I was thinking even mentioning that to her. If she didn’t know about Obama, she DEFINITELY wouldn’t know about that!

Sometimes I REALLY wonder what goes on in people’s brains.

*For the Americans…ABC Learning could be going under and it is a big news story at the moment

Palin as President October 19, 2008

Ok… whether or not you like Sarah Palin… this is still pretty damn funny. Try opening and closing the door a few times!

PALIN AS PRESIDENT

I am going to check back every day to find fun new things